The Role of Fantasy In Addiction - sexual addiction article

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The Role of Fantasy In Addiction

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The Role of Fantasy In Addiction

by Mark R. Laaser

The Role of Fantasy In Addiction

Mark R. Laaser, PhD, CCSAS

Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that we need to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Addicts certainly would love to understand that verse. If they could get control of their thought lives and fantasies, their cravings and pursuits would disappear. Over the years of my sobriety from sexual addiction and based on workings with hundreds of men as a Christian counselor, I now believe there is quite a basic approach to taking every thought captive.

The first question to ask is, "What does taking a fantasy captive mean?" Unfortunately, the answer all too often is, "Get rid of it, tell it to go away, and don't dwell on it or think about it." One 12 step fellowship advised that addicts practice a "three second rule," i.e. you can't think about something longer than 3 seconds. Some may think that we are having a "slip" or, worse, a relapse if we fantasize. Unfortunately, these approaches don't work in the long term as the fantasy will ultimately return with abandon.

My experience tells me that when you take a captive, you don't send it away. To do that might allow this "enemy" to return to harm you again. Rather, you would keep it close, guard it, and interrogate it. What should we question fantasies about? My belief is that every fantasy I've ever heard contains a message about the pain deep inside our soul. The pain really needs Christ to heal it, but we don't know that so we "invent" images that we think will be healing.

Have you ever had a sport's fantasy? When I was in High School I had the dream of becoming a professional tennis player. I believe that it was my calling and that when I won tennis tournaments, I would witness for Christ. What I didn't realize was that God had not given me the athletic talent to achieve that dream. I once played one of the greatest tennis players of all times, Jimmy Connors. He beat me soundly and I began to realize that my dreams were dashed. But, who do you think wins that match from 40 years ago when I replay it in my mind. You see, fantasies have a way of "correcting" some event from the past.

Fantasies can also bring experiences in your life that you feel you never had. My sports fantasies bring me lots of attention and admiration. My money fantasies correct the feeling of being a poor preacher's kid and also bring me lots of attention and respect. I can even bargain with God, "Let me be a millionaire Lord. You do remember that I tithe to my church." Some of us have power or status fantasies, "If I were only president of my company, then I would be respected." This fantasy might be correcting years of perceived disrespect and criticism.

Some fantasies repeat really exciting experiences from the past. These remembered fantasies repeat exciting or comforting times we once knew. Here is a difficult example. A person comes into your office and says that he is having fantasies of being sexual with 15 year old girls. You might be repulsed and think that he is a pedophile. I had a man just like this a few weeks ago. My belief is that this fantasy, as horrible as it is, means something about his soul. While I know that it is horrible and I will want to make sure that he has never acted this out, I will also take time to quiet myself and ask myself, "Lord, what is this fantasy trying to tell me about the pain in this man's soul?" The truth was that when this man was 15, his mom and dad divorced. His mom moved him to another state and he went to a new high school where the kids teased him for being new. Except, that is, for one 15 year girl who befriended him and eventually had sex with him. Today, when he gets lonely, frightened, or stressed, his mind returns to the comfort this 15 year old girl brought him. It was in fact his first sexual experience and it was really exciting. When I showed him this connection and that there are so many other healthy ways to comfort yourself and find true passion in your life, he has stopped fantasizing about 15 years old girls.

When you understand the message of fantasies and when you help an addict find true healing for the pain in the soul, the fantasies will disappear. You have heard the message and you don't need it anymore. I know many male sex addicts, for example, who fantasize about women who, in their fantasy, look just like their mothers. Perhaps they are bringing love, nurture, and attention into their lives that there mothers didn't. When I first say a pornographic picture of a women in a magazine, she was doing something I don't remember my mom doing - she was smiling. I associated that perception of warmth with nudity and I was off to the races looking for the next "nurturing women" in all kinds of pornography. As an addict, you could say I was looking for the next high of lust, but you would only be partly right. The longing in my soul for the love and nurture of a woman was what really drove that pursuit. Today, I can happily say, that I find that love and nurture in Christ, and in the spiritual and emotional connection I only have with my wife. I don't need pornography anymore.

I know men who are attracted to other men and to fantasies of all kinds of sexual activity. I find that all of these men are longing in their soul to find the essence of manhood, probably in ways that their fathers never showed them. You see every sinful fantasy has a meaning of what the soul longs for. Making these soul longings "obedient" to Christ takes us to the true solution to the longings.

My encouragement to you is that when you work with addicts, take a "fantasy inventory." Ask them to tell you about their fantasies and quiet your soul so as to listen to what their soul is telling you about what they really long for. If you know their histories you will be easily able to see what pain the fantasy is trying to heal. Then, as a soul healer you will be able to point them to God's true healing for the soul. You will then find that their fantasies disappear and their efforts to find sobriety will succeed.

Comments about this Article: (1 comments)

This article was very insightful. How do you transition from what your fantasies are seeking to healthy nurture? I also fantasize about being an army ranger (powerful warrior type)? What does that tell me?